March 2009

Two Left Feet

When we were at Lake Tahoe, I (like Jeff and his infamous moon boots) borrowed some boots from the garage.  I found a black pair that didn’t look too horrendous, tried them on and they fit.  HOWEVER, as I looked down at my feet, I thought to myself,”What the…?  Are these on the wrong feet?”  So I took them off and switched them around.  They STILL looked like they were on the wrong feet.  I took them off again, looked all over for some indication of which boot went on which foot and didn’t find any help from the boots.  So I put them back on and went to ask Josh what he thought.  We went through the same switching of boots and nothing looked right so I just thought, “Whatever.  I’ll just walk a little bit pigeon-toed to make them look less wrong.” As we were heading out of the room, I ran into Amanda in the hallway.  She looked at what I was wearing and said,”Are your boots on the wrong feet?”  We both just started laughing so hard.

I know it’s a common childhood conundrum, but I thought I had the whole shoe thing under control.  That little incident made me realize how perplexing the puzzle probably is to toddlers.

Emmy LOVES shoes and will put on any that happen to be laying around without feet already in them.  She has a 50/50 chance of getting them on the right feet.  She gets it wrong 100% of the time.

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Kitty Litter

For my fifth birthday, my parents got me a Dr. Seuss book collection.  I was so excited!  They came with a backpack and a plastic book holder shaped like the Cat in the Hat holding the books…Do you know what I’m talking about?  It seemed like every kid I knew had the same thing.  Anyhoo, “Green Eggs and Ham” was my favorite and for some reason I really liked “Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Go Now”.  And you can’t leave “The Cat in the Hat” off the list of favorites, right?  HOWEVER, it wasn’t my FAVORITE because it caused too much anxiety for me, right Josh?  (“I love Lucy” was never funny for us.  Lucy was always getting in horrible predicaments that were too stressful to be funny.  That’s how I felt with this book.)  It’s not funny to have some weird, blue-haired THINGS messing up your house while your mom is walking up the driveway!!!  The book lives on in our house, though.  Ashton and Emmy like me to read it to them.  So the other day Ashton was picking out a new movie at the store and he found THIS….

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“Hmmmm, only $7,” I thought to myself,”It’s probably KIND OF cute…I haven’t heard much about it…eh, how bad could it be?”

REALLY REALLY INFURIATINGLY BAD!!!!

I am here to warn you, DO NOT EVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER EV’ EV’ EV’ EV’ EV’ EV’ EEEEEVER WATCH THIS MOVIE (or spend a measly $1 on it)!!!!!!!!

Now if any of you know the Stewart’s (you probably do, since if you are reading my blog, chances are you ARE a Stewart ) you know we have strong opinions about movies.  I’ve calmed down a ton in recent years but on this I must voice my opinion.  It doesn’t even matter, because WHO has even seen this movie besides ME?  Nobody!  But let me just tell you….

I’ll just make a list of reasons why this movie is HORRENDOUS:

  • Mike Myers’ accent – he used his Scottish accent in “So I Married an Axe Murderer” and the..other accent (whatever it was) in “Shrek” so what does that leave?  The ‘Coffee Talk’ lady from SNL.  That’s right.  The Cat in the Hat has a crazy New Yawker woman accent!  Did you ever imagine that?  AND he doesn’t use it consistently.  Sometimes he’s talking normal, spazzy, yet normal.  Oh yeah!  AND other times he’s talking like the cowardly lion from The Wizard of Oz.
  • This movie is made for kids that have ADHD or CAUSES kids to get it.  It’s just completely nuts, wild, colorful, jerky the whole time.
  • The story line, which they add A LOT of, is completely retarded.
  • The “jokes” are dumb, dumb, dumb.  The only one laughing at them is THE CAT.
  • The adults in the movie are disgusting, crass individuals in real life.  Why put them in a kids’ movie?  Which brings me to my main point….
  • Why do the producers or whoever, think this “Oh man, parents are going to have to bring their kids to see this movie.  How are we going to make it entertaining for them?  OH!  I KNOW!  We have to use blatant sexual innuendo’s throughout the whole thing.  THAT’S what parents/adults laugh at!”  “You’re a genius!  Let’s do it!”  This movie is loaded with inappropriateness!  That’s the infuriating part.  Here’s a sublist of examples:
  1. The Cat looks at a picture of the kids’ mom.  He picks it up and as he exclaims his rapture at her beauty, he pulls on the picture and it extends into “centerfold” length and his red and white striped hat extends a foot or two.
  2. The Cat is holding a garden hoe with mud on it and says “You dirty hoe!”
  3. The cat licks himself you know where and then looks directly at the camera and says ‘Why? Because I Can”
  4. As the kids and the Cat chase their dog outside (I know, stupid story line!) somehow they end up at a rave where people are scantily clad and the Cat runs into, who else?  Everybody’s favorite, Paris Hilton, also wearing inappropriate clothing for my little boy to see.

Now check it out, that is just a short list that I thought of off the top of my head from the ONE time I watched it.  And I haven’t watched the whole thing yet because it was just too painful.  WHO KNOWS what else is in that movie, because, once again, who else in the world has watched it?  Oh these people have….

Here are some of my favorite quotes from reviews on rottentomatoes.com :

“Much of the film is padded out by the comic business of Mike Myers’ cat, in a deeply flawed role falling somewhere between a stand-up dying on stage or an alcoholic clown harassing kids at a birthday party.”

“Unless you are prone to laugh at endless urination, expectoration, regurgitation, defecation, flatulence, and belching, avoid this rip-off at all costs.”

“The film is the kind of betrayal of the book’s kooky elegance in which Myers’ magical, maniacal talking cat finds it necessary to cough up hair balls.”

“Creepier than Michael Jackson’s mug shot, and yet very similar. Parents shouldn’t leave their kids alone with this circus sideshow, either.”

“It’s a shame and a pity to see what they’ve done, making a movie about magic that contains less than none.”

I Am Now Officially Stalking Boyz II Men

As you may have read in my previous post “Jennz Boyz” Kris, Cari and I went to the Boyz II Men concert when they came to the Scera Shell in August.  Later, we found out that our sister-in-law, Krissy, really wanted to go.  I felt sooooooo bad.  When we heard that the Boyz would be in Wendover, we ALL decided to go this time.  So we left all the kids home with our amazing husbands (who did incredibly well without us. Which means, of course, that we will be leaving them much more often!) and took off for “The Poor Man’s Mesquite”. (I must mention that we were missing Angie, who had come from Colorado the weekend before and couldn’t come back for the party.  But we truly missed you, Ang!!!)

Looooove these girls!  We had so much fun.  The show was pretty much exactly the same as the Scera Shell, but not as intimate.  There were security guards blocking the aisles to the front of the stage so there weren’t people all mashed up in the front dancing and going nuts.  The rest of us were fine just having fun together in the back, but not Kris.  After being caught twice, she still was not going to give up.  She worked out a scheme, climbed over some chairs, had a temporary boyfriend and suddenly we noticed Kris’ blond head right up in front.  She’s awesome and such a blast!!! (By this time, a bunch of girls from the front section were trying to grab the roses the Boyz were handing out so Kris blended in.)  Cari, Jess and I tried to join her.  Cari and I got through just fine, we were smooth and confident.  But when the security guard stopped Jess, who was holding onto me, and asked if she had seats in the front, she froze, looked at him, then ran away!  LOL!  So they came and kicked Cari and me out.

At this concert, they were selling V.I.P. passes to go backstage for $30.  We met the Boyz in Orem for free so we were not about to pay $180, AND we were sure we’d find our old pal Anthony who took us backstage last time.  So after the concert, we were just messing around, trying to find Anthony, a few of us were practicing our sexy poses just in case we did get to go backstage.  By this time, the security guard who caught us trying to get to the front was keeping his eye on us.

Kris found a security guard named Todd who was with the Boyz, not with the venue. We found out that Anthony was not there, but that still did not deter Kris.  Todd hung out with us for a while, laughed a little bit at Kris’ crazy antics and once again, she won him over and he hooked us up!!!  We all got to go backstage.  It was awesome when the jerk security guard tried to stop us and Todd said “Hey man, they’re cool. Let them in.” Uuuuh!  Take that, jerk! Sa-weeeet!  So we got hugs from those cuties AGAIN and took some pictures.  Then, as we were leaving, Todd came up and gave us all V.I.P. passes with the guys’ autographs on them!  SOOOOOO NICE!!!

We went down to the casino and did some silly gambling, nothing serious.  With Krissy’s coaching, Cari and Jess had the best luck of the bunch. UNTIL….as we were leaving, I realized I had $2 in my pocket.  I threw it into a quarter slot, I don’t remember how much I bet, but I pulled the lever once and CHA-CHING!  JACKPOT!  I cashed out and we took ONE LAST PICTURE of my big win.  Just then, a security guard yelled at us for taking pictures.  We turned around and I am not kidding, there were five other security guards standing there making sure we left the casino.  SHEESH!  GO EASY!!! So in Ocean’s 17, Danny Ocean is going to recruit 6 girls from Utah to take pictures in the casino to distract ALL of the security guards while they pull off the biggest heist ever.  Crazy that in the lawlessness of Wendover, we couldn’t keep any of the rules and got in all the trouble!

Hold On To Your Butts…Here I Go Again…

A few months ago, Josh read “Atlas Shrugged” by Ayn Rand.  He absolutely loved it and insisted that I read it.  Since my ongoing challenge in this world is to be able to carry on intelligent conversation with my ever-progressing, knowledge-absorbing, ingenious husband, I decided I’d read this 1100+ page novel.

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I finished the book a couple weeks ago and…..

I LOVED IT!!!!

It has changed my life!  It hasn’t changed the way I think but it verbalized my thoughts, beliefs and fears about the society that we live in.  This book was written in the 40’s and I am telling you, Ayn Rand is a prophetess!  I was shocked by the things I was hearing on the news and the things politicians were saying in real life while I was reading because it was exactly what was happening in the book!  It has been a couple of weeks since I finished the book and every day something will happen that makes Josh and I turn to each other and say “Just like in ‘Atlas Shrugged’!”  I know I’m not making this novel sound very interesting, but it really was so well-written.  I feel completely attached to all of the characters.  I miss Dagny (if the heroine had been named anything besides ‘Dagny’ I would have named a daughter after her) and Francisco.  And now I almost get as excited as Ashton and Emmy when a train passes by our neighborhood.

The basic premise of the book is that there are three types of people; Looters, Moochers and Producers.  The way it works is the producers create everything (evil capitalists like Sam Walton, Thomas Edison and Henry Ford).  The Looters (the government) then take what the producers have created by force (Taxes, Tariffs, Subsidies) and give it to the moochers to keep themselves in power. Pretty simple right? In the book the looters keep passing laws they think will solve all of the problems that their laws created.  The looters and the media are in colusion, lying to the public to keep themselves in power.

On January 20, 1981, in his first inaugural address, Ronald Reagan told the nation: “Government is not a solution to our problem, government is the problem.”

I wasn’t going to write a long, passionate ‘Atlas Shrugged’ post but today I saw something on the news that made me so mad and frustrated and, of course, made me think of the book.  Everyone is so mad at the lady who had eight babies, blah blah blah.  Anyway, some people are calling on the government now to regulate in vitro fertilization.  ‘Atlas Shrugged’ portrays fascism, socialism, and communism – any form of state intervention in society – as systemically and fatally flawed.  Not everyone is as irresponsible as the Octomom (I really don’t know her name).  There is no reason to involve the government.

It’s so frustrating to hear about all the bail-outs and junk.  The government never should have dictated to the banks who they could lend money to.  Now we’re in this huge mess and to fix what the government messed up, they pass more bills and get more involved.  ATLAS SHRUGGED!!!!!!!  It’s so scary.  ANYHOOOO!

This quote by Thomas Jefferson keeps running through my head “A GOVERNMENT THAT HAS THE POWER TO GIVE YOU EVERYTHING, HAS THE POWER TO TAKE EVERYTHING AWAY! “

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