Kitty Litter

For my fifth birthday, my parents got me a Dr. Seuss book collection.  I was so excited!  They came with a backpack and a plastic book holder shaped like the Cat in the Hat holding the books…Do you know what I’m talking about?  It seemed like every kid I knew had the same thing.  Anyhoo, “Green Eggs and Ham” was my favorite and for some reason I really liked “Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Go Now”.  And you can’t leave “The Cat in the Hat” off the list of favorites, right?  HOWEVER, it wasn’t my FAVORITE because it caused too much anxiety for me, right Josh?  (“I love Lucy” was never funny for us.  Lucy was always getting in horrible predicaments that were too stressful to be funny.  That’s how I felt with this book.)  It’s not funny to have some weird, blue-haired THINGS messing up your house while your mom is walking up the driveway!!!  The book lives on in our house, though.  Ashton and Emmy like me to read it to them.  So the other day Ashton was picking out a new movie at the store and he found THIS….

cat_in_the_hat_verdvd

“Hmmmm, only $7,” I thought to myself,”It’s probably KIND OF cute…I haven’t heard much about it…eh, how bad could it be?”

REALLY REALLY INFURIATINGLY BAD!!!!

I am here to warn you, DO NOT EVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER EV’ EV’ EV’ EV’ EV’ EV’ EEEEEVER WATCH THIS MOVIE (or spend a measly $1 on it)!!!!!!!!

Now if any of you know the Stewart’s (you probably do, since if you are reading my blog, chances are you ARE a Stewart ) you know we have strong opinions about movies.  I’ve calmed down a ton in recent years but on this I must voice my opinion.  It doesn’t even matter, because WHO has even seen this movie besides ME?  Nobody!  But let me just tell you….

I’ll just make a list of reasons why this movie is HORRENDOUS:

  • Mike Myers’ accent – he used his Scottish accent in “So I Married an Axe Murderer” and the..other accent (whatever it was) in “Shrek” so what does that leave?  The ‘Coffee Talk’ lady from SNL.  That’s right.  The Cat in the Hat has a crazy New Yawker woman accent!  Did you ever imagine that?  AND he doesn’t use it consistently.  Sometimes he’s talking normal, spazzy, yet normal.  Oh yeah!  AND other times he’s talking like the cowardly lion from The Wizard of Oz.
  • This movie is made for kids that have ADHD or CAUSES kids to get it.  It’s just completely nuts, wild, colorful, jerky the whole time.
  • The story line, which they add A LOT of, is completely retarded.
  • The “jokes” are dumb, dumb, dumb.  The only one laughing at them is THE CAT.
  • The adults in the movie are disgusting, crass individuals in real life.  Why put them in a kids’ movie?  Which brings me to my main point….
  • Why do the producers or whoever, think this “Oh man, parents are going to have to bring their kids to see this movie.  How are we going to make it entertaining for them?  OH!  I KNOW!  We have to use blatant sexual innuendo’s throughout the whole thing.  THAT’S what parents/adults laugh at!”  “You’re a genius!  Let’s do it!”  This movie is loaded with inappropriateness!  That’s the infuriating part.  Here’s a sublist of examples:
  1. The Cat looks at a picture of the kids’ mom.  He picks it up and as he exclaims his rapture at her beauty, he pulls on the picture and it extends into “centerfold” length and his red and white striped hat extends a foot or two.
  2. The Cat is holding a garden hoe with mud on it and says “You dirty hoe!”
  3. The cat licks himself you know where and then looks directly at the camera and says ‘Why? Because I Can”
  4. As the kids and the Cat chase their dog outside (I know, stupid story line!) somehow they end up at a rave where people are scantily clad and the Cat runs into, who else?  Everybody’s favorite, Paris Hilton, also wearing inappropriate clothing for my little boy to see.

Now check it out, that is just a short list that I thought of off the top of my head from the ONE time I watched it.  And I haven’t watched the whole thing yet because it was just too painful.  WHO KNOWS what else is in that movie, because, once again, who else in the world has watched it?  Oh these people have….

Here are some of my favorite quotes from reviews on rottentomatoes.com :

“Much of the film is padded out by the comic business of Mike Myers’ cat, in a deeply flawed role falling somewhere between a stand-up dying on stage or an alcoholic clown harassing kids at a birthday party.”

“Unless you are prone to laugh at endless urination, expectoration, regurgitation, defecation, flatulence, and belching, avoid this rip-off at all costs.”

“The film is the kind of betrayal of the book’s kooky elegance in which Myers’ magical, maniacal talking cat finds it necessary to cough up hair balls.”

“Creepier than Michael Jackson’s mug shot, and yet very similar. Parents shouldn’t leave their kids alone with this circus sideshow, either.”

“It’s a shame and a pity to see what they’ve done, making a movie about magic that contains less than none.”