Amish Selfish Big-Butt Bread

“Amish Friendship Bread”…What a horribly named food! It should be called “Amish Self-Esteem Bread.”  This little loaf of doughnut is so packed with calories that as you eat it you can actually watch your butt grow. It’s like a hand grenade of fat. If you keep it, you destroy your own self-esteem by watching yourself swell in the mirror. If you give it away you can trick your “friends” into getting fatter than you and make yourself feel better in the process.

My sister offered me a starter for this bread a few weeks ago.  My first reaction was, “Sure, but I’ll just throw it away after I forget to do anything with it for a week.”  But she reminded me how absolutely delicious it is and I took a starter off her hands.  How FRIENDLY of her.

So I mushed the starter for a few days and added junk to it.  I followed the simple instructions until I could finally bake my two loaves of bread and create starters to give to three friends – hence the name “Amish FRIENDSHIP Bread”.  Well, within half a day, those two loaves of bread had been devoured!  Not only by myself, but my kids were CRAZY about it.  When Ashton finished the last piece, he almost cried.  We were all very sad that it would be TEN MORE DAYS before the next batch could be made.

Then and there I became an addict and made a commitment to NEVER be without Amish Friendship Bread again!  So those three starters that I was supposed to give away were cared for and mushed by myself for ten more days.  Then I made six more loaves (I don’t know what happened to them but they aren’t here anymore) and kept two starters for myself.  I know, the Amish math isn’t adding up, but whatever.  Cari and I have tried to figure out a way to cheat the system but that Amish math is haaaaard (and Cari is even a math GENIUS!).

Well, yesterday Emmy and I made four more loaves…(not pictured – Emmy licking the counter where the batter dripped, licking the spoon clean, then sticking her whole head in the bowl to lick the sides before I could stop her.  It’s a drug, I tell you!)

I KNOW!!!  I KNOW!!!!  I have a huge problem and I am finally ready to admit it and take control of the situation.  This time, I didn’t keep ANY starters!  I threw away all opportunities for me to ever make more of this incredibly delicious treat again.  I know that is extremely SELFISH of me not to even give starters to my friends but look!  I would know WHERE to go for MORE starters!  I had to destroy all my resources.  I’m pretty sure this is part of the 12-Step Program.

Here’s the problem…My Butt! In a study performed in 2004, researchers discovered that the Amish had very low rates of  obesity even though they had extremely high calorie diets. The difference between them and us is they walk an average of 5 miles per day, whereas we walk about five steps. Here I am 8 1/2 months pregnant and my butt and everything else is getting bigger by the second and I know this loaf of doughnut is completely to blame.  So it must end NOW, I am quitting cold turkey….right after I eat these last four loaves.